Silence the Silence

It's nobody's business but mine.
I'll go to my grave with this secret
and even with truth serum,
with torture, with pleading,
with sleep deprivation,
you can't make me tell.
That includes your silly Steps.
"Admitted to God, to ourselves,
and to another human being
the exact nature of our wrongs."
I assure you, I've sinned,
I've fucked up, I've failed miserably...
any words you want to use
to explain what a humongous mess
my life has become
because of my stupidity,
but that's enough. God knows,
I know, and NOBODY else needs to.
It's nobody's business but mind.

I can't get clean, can't break the pull.
What can be wrong with me?
I've worked the Steps, done everything.
Well, almost everything.

Two-Ton Telephone

Bench-pressing three hundred pounds
can be easier than picking up the phone —
even the one you carry in your hand
when it's for an outreach call, not a comfort one —
but calling once it's done seems so right,
so natural, so comfortable. When you've done it
a hundred times does it get easier? 
I guess I don't know. I call my sponsor
and other people, but with a reason,
not just reaching out. I'm allergic to phones.
It's not the truth, but it's an easier truth to claim
than what I fear the real one might be,
so I'll keep on avoiding the two-ton phone...
until I get desperate enough to use all the tools
to reach the goal of recovery.

With Love

...detachment...was fairly easy for me. But it was with indifference. Detachment with love was out of the question. ~ Courage to Change, page 100

They talked a while after the others had left.
Her wise old friend listened to a reprise
of endless years of dysfunctional marriage,
of stories of before and after recovery,
of descriptions of the same old attitude
still ruling the roost, but the difference.
Before the best she could have done
was to tolerate, to hold her head high,
to not let him pull her down to the depths,
at least not often, not all the time.
But after recovery he hadn't changed
and she knew he never would,
had come to understand a picture of him
that might or might not be the truth
but that explained the indifference,
the difficulties through the years.
Her friend said she'd never understood
why she hadn't left, found someone else,
looked for happiness rather than settling.
She tried to explain, but her eyes watered,
she found it difficult to hold her face still.
The wise old friend pointed out what kept her there,
what made her content, was that against all odds
she loved him still.

Fear and Faith

Faith is just getting out of fear. Faith and fear can't exist at the same time. I have faith there's a power greater than me. There's no reason to sit in fear. ~ Jhe T. James

Like toddler twins trying to be in the same place
at the same time, squirming, pushing, insisting...
Like a stone blocking the passage of fish
through the current, the fish flipping, flopping,
enlarging the passage so they can get where they want
by going close beside, not in the same place...
Like trying to stuff another set of sheets
and five large towels into a full-to-the gills linen closet...
Faith can't get where fear is. Oh, that's not true.
Faith can get where fear is...or was. Fear can't stay
faced with faith allowed. And faith comes,
ejecting fear, when we just ask, just allow,
just be willing to live free of fear.

What Have I Done?

But when I look back on the years I practiced compulsive overeating, I see how I always took the path in life that allowed me to most easily continue to practice the disease. In the meantime, the quality of my life diminished, and I gradually gave up on myself and my dreams. ~Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 2937-2949)

Senior citizen. Seasoned citizen.
Social Security recipient.
Middle aged? Who am I kidding?
I'll never be a hundred thirty-four.
Two people, blood relatives
within the third degree of consanguinity,
are older than I. Facts, they are.
But need they control me?
Grandma Moses...how hokey can I get
in finding an exception. Yet, others exist.
I plan on another thirty years,
and until then, I will refuse to allow
a diminished life, to give up on myself,
to release my dreams.

The Noun Recovery

Recovery is a wonderful word. It means getting something back. Today I will try to remember that "that something is me." ~  Courage to Change, Page 125

To recover is to get back,
whether to extract the original
in a chemical process,
to earn back the initial expenditure
before beginning to add profit, 
to get well, ridding the body of illness,
regaining possession of something stolen...
To recover is to get back.
To live in recovery is to regain (or gain first)
a life worth living, a sense of self,
a comfort in body and soul,
a freedom from obsession and addiction.
To recovery is to get back.

 

 

Not a Way to Treat a Dog

How do you treat yourself?
Does your dog know you love him?
Do you bend over backwards
for those around you, pleasing them,
accommodating them?
What do others think of you?
Do you cringe when they are nice,
when compliments come your way?
Isn't it time for you to know
your behavior reflects your negativity?
Don't you know your dog loves you
and those around you would...if you let them in!?
Isn't it time to treat yourself
at least as well as you treat yourself?

Respite

Suddenly fall, weather delightful,
some rain, weekend, company coming...
a perfect day. Why do I so seldom think
about this kind of day, dwelling on those
that make me mad, sad, resentful,
ashamed...
Why don't I make every day a respite
or at least find one inside it?

Shorted Out!

The cord looks just fine
but music comes through
only when held still,
the two severed wire pieces
able to touch, to make contact,
until they separate and all
goes silent. It reminds me
of those times when I look right,
can hold on to appearances,
can pretend all is well, but I know
deep inside, the connection is weak,
the probability I'm not listening
to others in recovery, 
to a power I've acknowledged,
to the wisdom of ages, 
to my own best intentions. 
It's then the looks don't count
and what's left belongs in the trash
with the connection reestablished,
with a strong clear signal,
and then I can hear when I need
and have the wisdom, the courage,
the willingness to do what I know
is right.

Descartes Doubts

The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. ~ The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

René Descartes needed a bedrock,
a place to start to decide what was real.
He figured out he could doubt everything,
but in that statement was the fact
that doubt was real. I think, so I am.
We can question everything, reason,
rationalize. We can work on what's right
until we can find it, define it, refine it,
analyze it, modify it, crystalize it,
polish it, petrify it...until we waste it.
Thinking about thinking was fine for Descartes
but I'm not in charge. I can't define, refine,
or anything else the truth. I must accept it
even when my doubts roil, but when I trust
my higher power, I'm there. Trusting HP
and taking the next right step 
whether I understand it...
or not.

Believe!

Now when someone leaves a will, it is necessary to prove that the person who made it is dead. The will goes into effect only after the person’s death. While the person who made it is still alive, the will cannot be put into effect. ~ Hebrews 9:16-17 (NLT)

Doctors had pronounced him incurable. Society was about to lock him up. Like myself, he had admitted complete defeat. Then he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known! ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 11 

Jesus told Nicodemus 
he had to be born again. 
He said flesh comes from flesh, 
spirit from spirit. 
God so loved he gave his son. 
Just believe – no more – and Spirit 
gives spirit where flesh condemns. 
We’ve turned away from light, 
loving darkness, doing evil. 
Fear blocks the light. 
Just believe,  
be ready to live by truth, 
walk into light, 
in the light, 
seeing miracles, 
living miracles.*

God, my fear is huge, 
but it’s not larger than your light. 
I believe.  
I believe!

*John, Chapter 3

From A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us

Envy

And I saw that all labor and all achievement spring from manʼs envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. The fool folds his hands and ruins himself. Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind. ~ Ecclesiastes 4:4-6, NIV

Envy, the incredible 
green 
hulk. 
The ultimate dearth of self esteem. 
Resentment. Fists raised. 
Eating poison to kill 
someone else. 
Tranquility, the vast 
azure 
ocean. 
The pinnacle of self esteem. 
Acceptance. Hands filled. 
Sharing five loaves 
with 5000 with 
plenty left.

God, take my resentments, my envy. 
Replace them with benevolence, with joy, 
and with a handful of tranquility.

Barbara B. Rollins A Time for Verse - Poetic Ponderings on Ecclesiastes 

The Essence of Immorality

The Essence of immorality is the tendency to make an exception of myself. ~ Jane Addams

This is what you should do,
and you must listen to me,
for I'm your sponsor.
Oh, you saw me do that yesterday?
Why were you spying on me?
You're not my sponsor,
you can't judge me.
Clean your own side of the street.
But that's not right.
Thank you for pointing it out.
I must live by the rules I'd have you follow
and if I can't then I have no business
offering guidance to you.
I'm sorry. I think maybe I have
some amends to make.

Expectations

Expectations are premeditated resentments. ~ "Well-known saying" I hadn't heard before.

Well surely he has the sense to send that back,
he knows I told him we didn't need it,
it was expensive, we could do better...
Why does he think I need to keep the check register?
We have enough money. I'm not going to overdraw.
I can do it when the statement comes in.
Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?
I know I brought your meal to your chair,
that I asked you where you wanted it,
what to drink, got your instructions.
But why should I have to? Why could you not
come to the table if I'm going to prepare it?
Are you that dependent on my waiting on you?

What do I expect of you? What do I want you to do?
Do my actions fit that? Do I let you know?
If I'm going to resent this after I do it for you
it's not worth the doing, and for you
it's not worth the receiving.

Utilitarian Love

And the only kind of love that they really have for other people is utilitarian love. You know, they just love people that they can use. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Love is not love if it's all about you,
if all your thoughts are what they can do
to make your life better, if you like it
when they look good only because
it makes you look good, and you see yourself
as deserving all the credit.
Love is not love when it's about you.
Love gives without scorecards,
cares about feelings, comfort, happiness
of the other, knowing its own
is not from perceived personal needs met
but from the appreciation and joy of others.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It does not dishonor others,
it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth. 
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.*Love is not love if it's all about you.

Photo by Surely Sweet Photography

*1 Cor. 13:4-7 (NIV)

I Retain the Right

I retain the right to have problems, to cry, to make mistakes, to not know all the answers. I still have and use a sponsor. I continue to give service to Al-Anon, but I don't have to be in charge. ~ Courage to Change, page 101

I no longer run the world.
I have surrendered responsibility
for giving everyone their script,
their walking orders, telling them
what they should think and do.
I no longer am responsible
to control the result of my best efforts,
to win every contest, to ace every task.
I have the right to fail if it happens,
but that doesn't mean I yield to fear
and avoid doing the hard stuff.
I have the duty to work to my best,
to listen to those wiser than I,
to not yield to foolish fear,
either the panic or procrastination.
I no longer rule the world
but I have the right to like me
when I do well...and when I don't.

Trust the Peace

Yes, you've grown accustomed to chaos,
expect arguments and tension
in all relationships, feel enmity.
Your resentments rage,
conversations occur in cursing yells.
Life in your dictionary is disagreement.
Then a few meetings, some reading,
following twelve simple steps...
and it's gone. It may still roil around you
but it's not in your heart, not in your mouth.
You work on keeping your own street clean
and let the rest take care of itself.
But it feels so weird, so fake, so pretend.
Shouldn't you be in on it?
No. Things have changed. You have changed.
Trust the peace.

Good and Bad

I learned the word thorough from recovery and it's turning out to be an asset and a limitation. ~ Jhe T.

The good news is fill-in-the-blank
and the bad news the same.
Our character traits can be strengths
but they're character defects as well.
Bad is not bad if it teaches.
Good can be maliciously used for evil.
Wonderful can be a downfall, a trigger.
Necessary water in torrents can destroy,
heat is essential but sunstroke kills.
There is nothing that is not good
and everything can be used for evil.
But recovery happens when I give up,
when I turn it over, when I allow a Power
to use me to make it turn out right,
a result I never could reach on my own.

Too Damn Busy for Hatred

I can plot, scheme, conspire, connive...
I can hate, loathe, envy, covet, crave.
I can wallow in hatred and jealousy,
enmity, aversion, resentment.
But that takes all the time there is,
a powerful vacuum sucking all in,
holding it tightly, enmeshed in the mire.
If I simply turn it off, ignore the emotions,
in necessary acknowledging the feeling
then walking away from it...
If I don't make he time to dwell there,
it's all there, easy to ignore, lost in the Hoover
and not available to be tripped over
as I gather bouquets of joy through my day.

Doubting Doubts

And I doubt my doubts. ~ Courage to Change, page 133.

Everybody else seems able to do this but I can't.
I never will. That's most certainly true
if I never try. If I stay in my stinking thinking
I get a stinking life, and nothing better,
for I have no hold, no hand out to accept,
the good that's offered. My doubts abound.
But not until I doubt the doubts,
not until I listen to the program,
read the literature, hear the shares,
not until I act like I might bypass the doubts
will I ever have the sense
to accept what's offered freely.