Unconditional

My efforts to be selfless by trying to please everyone but myself weren't working. The focus was on their response rather than on what seemed right for me to do. There was nothing unconditional about this kind of giving. ~ Courage to Change, page 90

When you don't expect a Thank you,
when you don't erupt at petty, childish acts,
when you feel sorry when all the years past
you would have raged, push her buttons
before she could get your next one,
when everything you did was meant to earn
that oh-so-longed-for Thank you…
When you think every moment
not about how she feels, but how you do,
when you take a simple kindness as a gift,
not as your due, when honesty to yourself
is more important than any smile you might receive…
When you change from living life like a puppy
panting for a kind hand on his head, a loving scratch,
and seek self-respect and peace of mind,
a feeling of serenity inside, of a day well lived…
That's when you've learned what it means
to live unconditionally.

 

I Am Not Alone

You judge by human standards; I pass judgment on no one. But if I do judge, my decisions are true, because I am not alone. I stand with the Father, who sent me. ~ John 8:15-16 (NIV)

What you do is none of my business.
I have no need to judge you.
But sometimes I do.
At times it is my role in life,
my place in society.
At those times do I judge
by human standards?
And in the decisions we all make,
judging those around us
not in the nosy way, the interfering,
controlling way but the judgment needed
to control our responses, our answers,
our interaction. Judge we must,
not judgmentally, just socially.
And when judgments
and other decisions must be made,
I can avoid the wrong path.
When I begin the day by asking my Power
for instructions, when I turn my will over,
then I'm not really judging.
I am the vessel, the messenger,
the vassal.

Ritual

Rituals are just repetitions,
doing the same thing over and over.
So what are my rituals?
I could try to come across here,
before you my reading public,
as righteous, as pious.
But way too often I've told you
I struggle with meditation,
with the right rituals.
How different would it be
if I were so religious, so regular,
with turning to God, with a tenth step
or eleventh, as when I brush my teeth
right before I go to bed,
immediately on rising.
Can I make it a ritual?
Can the power toothbrush
that intrigues my grandsons
become my tool for creating
a more meaningful ritual?

Half Measures

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 907-908).

 

Progress, not perfection
they say...the Big Book says...

I know I'll never reach perfection

but I can be better than I used to be...

that's not hard. I don't want 

to be that bad again. 

I'll not try for perfection,

I can't get there anyway.

But I look around at people,
see something in them

I have no clue how to get...

Am I settling for half measures?

Of course. But it's not good enough.

I'm slipping, sliding back

into the morass. Aiming for half way

gets me back to the bottom,

mired in hopelessness.

 

The Gift of Acceptance

If you decide you are one of us, we welcome you with open arms. Whatever your circumstances, we offer you the gift of acceptance. You are not alone any more. Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous. Welcome home! ~ Suggested Meeting Format

What a precious gift, the gift of acceptance!
Consenting to receive or undertake something offered.
Being received as adequate or suitable,
typically being accepted into a group.
Agreement with or believe in an idea,
opinion or explanation. Willingness to tolerate
a difficult or unpleasant situation.How is acceptance a gift? The action of receiving,
of making each person there aware that finally,
in this odd little place, with few people or a massive crowd,
I have come home to a home I've never known.
Being presented with the attitude I'm not a failure,
but instead that I'm adequate! that I'm suitable!
That may seem a put-down, self-deprecation,
but at times it may be high praise, a birth of acceptance.
Agreement with an idea, that crazy concept it's not
a lack of willpower, not lack of discipline,
but a disease, not my fault, like the flu
but chronic, treatable but not curable,
but life can be fine, fun, free.
What a marvelous offer, a wonderful gift,
the gift of acceptance.

There's a road to recovery one Step at a time.

Spirituality

Religion is for people who are afraid theyll go to hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there. ~ 12 Step Recovery Quotes, Sayings and Slogans  

A friend of mine calls my program my "cult."
It's not said to be flattering, but is it the truth?
"A small religious group not part of a larger,
more accepted religion...one with beliefs
regarded by many people as extreme or dangerous?"
Well, my friend would say it was extreme...
at least my devotion to it. What about
"people admire and care about something
or someone very much or too much..."
Which is it, very much? That's fine. Too much?
I can no more care too much for recovery
than I could have said a truckload of my favorite substance
was enough. That one works until it doesn't.
"A small group of very devoted supporters or fans..."
Well, yeah! But it's not some cult of personality,
not centered on the people. We've been our gods too long
and finally gave up that role.
Maybe it is a cult. But like Paul told the folks of Corinth,
"if they get hung up over what you're strong enough to accept,
why would you want to do it?" I'll not call recovery a cult.
But I really don't mind if anybody else does.
Maybe they'll pay enough attention
to hear what we're saying to want to join,
to long to have what we have.
Wouldn't that be a mania to seek?

Be Kind

Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. ~ Henry James

Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.
First be kind to yourself.
Get the help you need
for sanity, for clarity, for recovery.
Your own recovery is most important
even though that may feel selfish.
If you don't have peace, sanity,
hope then you have nothing
to pass along.
Then be kind to those you know.
The family members who contributed
to your insanity in the first place,
the loving souls who held you together
while you struggled, who loved you through it
who brought you the good news
that hope could be, that help could come.
Then be kind to those you may never know,
who may simply see your smile and sense the hope,
who watch you from afar and see in you
a life they'd like to model. Live your life well
producing a world for your fellows
better for your having been there.
First, always, and finally...be kind.

Optional Suffering

They say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. If I learn to accept that pain is part of life, I will be better able to endure the difficult times and then move on, leaving the pain behind. ~ The Courage to Change, page 83

Oh, me, poor me. Nobody has suffered so before.
Well, what about Job? Joan of Arc...or her parents!
Yes. Into every life rain falls. The good rain, soaking rain,
the rain that nourishes the land. And the hard, driving rain,
the painful rain, dreary rain, flooding rain. But it's the same
and falls on all people. And the same rain can bring delight
for one person, while cancelling anticipated events,
hurting the one next door.
Pain comes. Suffering comes. But some accept the hardship
and move through it. Others take up residence there.
We do not choose the pain. We do choose how long to suffer.

History

I shall tell you of William Wallace. Historians from England will say I am a liar, but history is written by those who have hanged heroes. ~ Braveheart

I sit here paralyzed with fear of what someone else will think of me
and in that state I fail to do what I'm obligated to do,
fulfilling the prophesy I hear in my head of his critique of me.
It's so hard to believe what he thinks of me is none of my business.
But I know my own reaction not to what he thinks
but to what I think he thinks causes me to fail,
to act carelessly, to be so crippled, so inept, so stunned
my actions become culpable, become so awkward,
so bungling he could not help but then find fault.
My fear of criticism is a self-fulfilling prophesy
of the history that will be mine once I bungle into it.

A Promise to Keep

Make a promise to yourself that you are not going to quit...

When you make a promise you have to keep it. ~ Rev. Felicia Hopkins

We come into the rooms of recovery having failed
for years and years, having tried every possible way,
having given up and found we're powerless over addiction
and that our whole lives have become unmanageable.
We come into the rooms of recovery and glimpse hope,
see others who understand us but who seem to have it together,
to have overcome, to have set aside the powerlessness
and who have lives we desperately long to have.

But we come in defeated, ready to give up,
knowing we're hopeless, expecting to fail.
And after that first pink cloud recovery it's so easy
to slip and to to give up, embarrassed, thinking we don't deserve
the wonders of recovery we've come to know in others.
But we owe it to ourselves to hold on to hope,
to promise ourselves to stay until the miracle happens.
And we owe it to ourselves to keep the promise to ourselves
just as surely and trying just as hard as we would
had we made the promise to another.
We owe ourselves to honor our promise, to find recovery.

Do It Sober

Those things we have to do
have been done in the past
virtually always
with crutches.
Some crutches we claim as addictions,
a drink or a cake or sex...
anything to give us false strength.
But then we may give up the dependency
yet substitute something else...
a drink for a sugar addict,
an apple fritter for an alcoholic,
or anger, bluster, compulsive games,
jealousy, blame, guilt...
Whatever we do
when we don't do surrendered
we do in our addiction.
And comfort evades us.
If we are to have serenity
we have to learn how to do it not just dry
but sober.

Unto Others

The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~ Albert Schweitzer

When I remain in me, centered in me, thinking of me
I fail to be of any benefit to anybody, especially me.
When I serve you, long to model recovery for you,
wish well for you, pray you receive all those things
I would have sought for myself had I been focused there...
When I wish well for you for your sake, not for my own,
not for your respect, your love, your admiration,
your kindness in return to me, when I serve you
I find all those things I would have coveted for me
have come to me, the manifestation of my service to you.

The Power of Knowing

I rather appreciated your ideas about the subtle insanity, which precedes the first drink, but I was confident it could not happen to me after what I had learned. ~ The Big Book and A Study Guide of the 12 Steps (Kindle Locations 851-852).

You explain recovery to me,
and I hear you well. I read the Big Book
and remember it, can tell you where
to find words, phrases, speak
confidently of program.
I know the program, admire it.
But I stand on the outside looking in
like a child peering into a pet store
(or a candy store, my preference of course...)
Only when I stop looking at "your"
problem, "your" addiction,
"your" weakness around food…
Only when I own my problem
and can see the way the program works
for me can I benefit from the wisdom
of the Big Book. Just knowing
without owning leaves me powerless.

Anger Turned Inward

Depression. Severe despondency, dejection,
feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
Depression is anger turned inward,
self-hatred, self-loathing, capitulation.
I would not negate the very real physical state.
At the same time I know the anger is real,
is palpable, is utter and absolute.
And I know anger has a cure, an antidote,
a way out. It's not a panacea, not a quick fix,
simple but not easy. It's called surrender,
acceptance, the way to peace. It's serenity
reached by acceptance of  what is what,
by courage to face the fear, to stare it down,
by wisdom to accept what is available through knowledge
but also what comes through the surrender,
from allowing another, a greater, hand to lead.

Are We There Yet?

Over two thousand miles an hour the moon moves.
I stand here, looking at it, and don't see it budge.
But if I were to mark it on the plane of the sky
and an hour later look again, it would have moved...
the width of my hand. So my hand is two thousand miles wide?
No, that's no more  realistic than is a toddler's question
before the city limits, "Are we there yet?" for the first
of seven-score times. 

I'm not there yet. Not recovered, not cured,
not restored to sanity. I look at that holy grail,
at the promises scattered throughout the book,
at those people who have what I want, and I'm not there.
But if I look at where I was last week, last month,
five years ago, if I look at the difference is this day
and the ones around it from those in the throes of my distress.
I can see the difference, can understand how far I've come.
I'll not look at the goal and what I would be if perfect.
I'll understand the difference and revel in the change
I've already seen.

Why Did You Hold On?

Maybe in the beginning I forgot about abstinence,
forgot I had changed my way of looking at life,
forgot for a moment that I was in recovery.
Those times, though, are long past
and I know when I'm about to take a bite
that's compulsive, when I'm fed up,
ready to claim the poor-little-me role,
ready to quit momentarily — and it always is,
the intention, that is, the intention to quit
is to quit momentarily, not to chuck it all and run —
when I resolve to rebel, to try my old vices,
to move in the direction I had resolved against,
then it's a conscious decision. But why?
Because the rebel arises, a little imp within me,
justifying, pouting, excusing, minimizing.
But there are other thoughts to recall,
the good ones, the reasoned ones,
the ones that serve me well.
And this advice rings true, so true I'll seek to hold it,
to pull it out and polish it up when I lean toward weakness.
I will recall the desperation that got me here,
the reason recovery is so much better than
the road of not recovering. And I will hold on to that
a little longer, for it's benefitted me so much to hold it
all this time before.

Like Seeing a Black Hole

(Based on a conversation with Jeff Johnson)

A black hole, a dense mass in space
so packed it lets out no light.
They're million of miles away,
not something we could drop in on
even if approaching without being whirled in
might be possible. Black holes,
they cannot be seen, so how do we know
they're there? By watching other stars
circling something we cannot see,
By close-passing matter shredded off,
be it gas or clouds or even asteroids,
planets, stars. Shredded stars.
Diffused planets. Bipolar jets
looking like bow ties on the black hole neck.
Rings around the void of orange then yellow,
white, and blue and violet.

A supreme being, higher power, creator of matter
not made of matter, not subject to sight.
We cannot see God but can watch movement,
lives, majestic changes all around where he must be.
Those who approach God, who acknowledge and advance,
experience dramatic changes, expanding lives
reaching out to touch others for great distances around.
The radiant beauty of lives, of nature, of the universe itself
shows inexplicably. Nothing can be seen as cause,
but the evidence shows us God...like seeing a black hole.

Joyful Defect Removal

Sometimes the sign that I have actually gotten humble enough to ask my Higher Power to remove a shortcoming is that I can laugh about it. ~ Courage to Change, Page 73

Laughing at myself can do me good
(why does my mind insist on "well"
when it's the truth it does me good
while it serves me well?) when my
aching fingers have clinched tight
to old crutches, limping along to relief,
while I stumbled every darned time
on the slippery slimy rock I thought to be
humiliation. But lo and behold
I came to realize I could call the wrong name
for emotions as surely as I could for people
and that archvillain humiliation crammed himself in
when I sought to discover the paragon humility.
Having thought that thought,
I heard friends through years
commenting on my proclivity to giggle
and knew that I trip over words
like iced-over rocks, that I fall on my head
when I butt up against expectations,
and that I'm just as much a klutz
mentally as I ever have been physically.
I may have at long last grasped
the truth that I'm not as complex
as I'd have you think, that sometimes
I'm just the girl who stood on a neighbor's porch
twisting a loose tooth, mortified then the thing
actually came out.

Show Time!

Today is not a dress rehearsal—I don't get to live it over when I'm feeling more positive. ~ Lifeline Weekly, Vol. 5, No. 10

Some days I'm tired from having done so much,
knees aching, the spark smothered. Sometimes energy vanishes,
hopelessness settles like fog, the windows of life
opaque, blocked, frozen over or left covered with residue
from earlier icy days. Sometimes the tank is empty,
every gas pump covered with a sign, "Premium Only"
and the price isn't worth it. Sometimes I bring a pill-taking glass
then sweep up the shards, scolding her for reaching out,
telling her I don't want to fix a bloody hand as well.
Some days I don't want to. But it's the only day with this date
I'll ever live. Rehearsal's over, the show is on. It's real.
God help me, it's real. Not my will but yours be done.

Never Fear their Worst

When faced with other people's destructive attitudes and behavior, I can love their best, and never fear their worst. ~ Courage to Change, page 72

Never fear the worst another can do to me?
I sat in a courtroom for too many years perhaps,
and surely everybody knows how wacky the world.
But then again, is that really something I've ever feared?
And is that something I fear from people around me?
No. I fear yelling, sarcasm, belittlement, chiding…
I fear words given and withheld, grimaces, sighs.
Holding me up for the contempt of others around me.
I remember three decades ago standing in a Taco Bell
wanting to melt through the floor, to disappear from humiliation
as the man standing beside me mocked the staff,
disparaged management. Do I really believe they remember him?
How could I  imagine they might still think me besmirched 
by association? What anyone else does is none of my business.
I can love them anyway, can walk away unscathed, can refuse to play.
I am master of my fate, captain of me ship.
I make amends for my own deficiencies, my statements, my deeds.
Theirs are not mine to claim, even when my heart avows them.