It's Not

...that's what your moments are about. They're not about justifying your existence. It's justified. You exist. It's not about proving your worthiness. It's done. You're worthy. It's not about achieving success. You never get it done. ~ Abraham

Acceptance of who you are,
of what you are, of your right
to be you. Who would think
that could be an issue?
My guess is everybody, all of us...
or at least all who need Recovery.
Those of us who spent our lives
believing ourselves lower than a few.
better than the multitudes.
yet all alone, isolated, solitary.
But two truths can bring us peace.
What I think of anybody else
is none of my business.
What others think of me
is none of my business.
Only then can we grasp
our right to exist, our having worth,
the fact it's okay to be me.
And then we can begin to grow,
to become who we want to me,
who we long to be, and know the truth
that we can be free.

In the Present, the Eternal Presence

(See http://recoverydailydose.blogspot.com/2016/05/meditating-on-meditation.html)
4  The wicked are not so,
But they are like chaff which the wind drives away.
5  Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
6  For the LORD knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the wicked will perish. ~ Psalm 1 NASB

Not so. Not like a tree beside water,
helpful, thriving, serving, prospering.
Roots play no part, hold to nothing,
allow fickle winds to capriciously scatter,
separated from normal, from comfortable,
isolated. These are the wicked, the self-centered,
the detritus. The blessed, rooted and steady
stand for inspection, for fulfillment, for completion,
ready to be in the presence. The eternal present.
Ready, finally, to learn what true meditation is.
And ready for the way of the wicked to perish
and for them to find recovery, sanity, and life!

PAG 188 XXX

Meditating on Meditation

1   How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
Nor stand in the path of sinners,
Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
2  But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
3  He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does, he prospers.  ~ Psalm 1, New American Standard Bible

Want to be blessed?
Don't walk in the where wicked people advise,
(or does it mean among lawyers?)
don't stand where sinners walk,
or sit where scoffers sit.
Do walk where positive advise is given.
If you know bad folks will come along, leave.
Find where good people stroll.
If you're sitting among disparaging
nitpicking people, get up and leave.
If you want to be blessed know HP,
hang around until you're comfortable,
happy, delighted, at peace.
Think about HP's will for you,
the next right thing, his constant presence
not just at a set time for reading and meditating
but hang out with him, feel his company.
You can become a picture of strength,
amid all that fulfills all your needs,
flowing around you, being your home.
Those around you find their needs met
at your armchair, in your space,
your essence nourishing them.
Even when lean times come
you maintain seeds of hope,
signs of good things to come.
As you develop your custom of being,
of emanating positivity, of fully living,
you will find your needs met,
your life fulfilled, your being blessed
and passing the blessing on to your fellows.

Scoffer's Seat

The Root of Our Troubles

Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 1019-1020).

The root. The basic cause, source or origin.
The essential substance or nature.
Established deeply and firmly.
Selfishness, self-centeredness.
That is the root of our troubles.
But we feed these roots, encourage them,
nurture them, develop them, propagate them.
Our fears are the nutrients, our self-delusion
the fertilizers, self-seeking aerates the soil,
our self-pity waters them with tears.
The plant thrives. With prickly spines,
thorns, barbs, spikes! We nourish the plant
and it turns on us, betrays us, poisons our lives
and those around us. And our fellows
don't turn on the vicious plant but on us.
And the drama continues until —
selfishness and self-centeredness
no longer control our lives.

The Whole Truth

Step Three is about commitment. Most compulsive overeaters find it difficult to keep their word. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 1396).

I spoke with my sponsor Monday,
told her of a person talking to me
about lies, about deceit, about secrets.
Her first reaction, amazement, a question:
Are you sure you're the one to counsel on this?Of course I am! Lying is my speciality.
Lying I understand. I swear in people,
and I understand what it means,
that whole truth, nothing but the truth bit.
Not that I manage to live by it. Oh, I intend to.
But I fail, and I give excuses. I never bring up
my shortcomings, divert attention
when others do. And sometimes play fiction writer
when that's not what I'm doing.
But the temptation to lie is obvious.
When I don't want to admit I'm slipping,
I'm failing, I'm trying to fly on my arms
and eschew available wings. So today I resolve
to tell the truth, the whole truth,
nothing but the truth...and to recover.

Copyright: ginasanders / 123RF Stock Photo

Over My Head

I jumped in the water and it was over my head. But it wasn't over Daddy's head. ~ Justin

Daddy. That's what Abba means, Daddy.
The Daddy in the sky...and the dirt and the waves
and the butterflies and in me.
I'm scared. I don't want to jump in,
don't know what I'll do when I get there,
don't really know if it's over my head
until I get there. But it doesn't matter.
Daddy's there. And it's never over Daddy's head.

In Wellness Here (III of III)

Come on in, we're all in wellness here.
I can accept or decline.
I could. If I were willing.
God, make me willing...or at least
willing to be willing...It's childish to remain in rebellion,
to decline what I heartily desire
because nobody's going to tell me
what to do. It's letting the thought control,
moreso than actually being told to act.
It's like that "moreso" word
used more than twenty years now
though disapproved by spellcheck,
by the authorities. I could make it two words
and get rid of the pesky red dots yelling.
But it's not wrong, so I'll use it.
I'll use moreso when I don't really want red dots
and decline to accept a healing community
when I long for it desperately.
Okay, I'll tolerate the red dots,
knowing they go away when the post is published.
And I'll tolerate the command to come in,
accepting gratefully what I really want to do,
and I will enter completely the healing community
I've eyed from a distance for far too long.
I believe. Help my unbelief!

In Wellness Here (II)

Come on in, we're all in wellness here.
Wanting wellness. It's what I've pursued all my life.
Am I willing to make the offer,
but unwilling to have the offer accepted?
Why? Mother told me what clothes to wear,
packed them so I'd know when she wasn't there.
She chided me for what I ate, for clearing a formal table
and stacking plates! She still speaks in my head
Millennia ago Paul told wives to submit to husbands.
Isn't there a statute of limitations? Why does he control?
Don't tell me what to do! Don't tell me,
Come on in, we're all in wellness here.
You could say, should you care to join
you're welcome here — if you choose wellness.
I wonder if I could get him to change the line.
But no. I need to change. To stop turning down
opportunities that appeal to me because it seems
I must cede control. I'm not governed by the invitation,
and I can accept or decline.
I could. If I were willing.
God, make me willing...or at least
willing to be willing...

In Wellness Here (I)

Come on in, we're all in wellness here.
I knew it was a dream, a vision, something —
but not real. But it felt real as I stood outside,
at the door, looking in, but not being in, not in wellness.
The invitation was there, so why not?
I wanted to say I wanted inside.
I thought about saying it but knew he/it/thatwould know it wasn't true.
Why would I not want wellness?
What advantage could there possibly be
in not going in? Do I not really want wellness?
We're all in wellness here. But not me?
Even with an invitation? He/it/thattold me to come in. Like ordered me.
I don't like to be ordered. I don't like
my decisions being made for me.
I want to be in charge, to decide things,
to manage my life. But still...
I've been saying for years, a chant,
a ritual: God, I offer myself to Thee — 
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!Am I willing to make the offer,
but unwilling to have the offer accepted?

Mens Rea

The guilty mind.
Why did you do it?
If you did it intentionally
it's far different than accidentally,
a default of equipment,
a fluke event.
Intentionally is easy enough...
to understand, at least.
But knowingly?
You knew when so-and-so happened
and whatever happened,
then such-and-such would happen?
Carelessly? What standard of care?
How careful is careful enough?
But the guilty mind can ignore nuances,
and we judge ourselves guilty,
carry the weight for years
loading us down like Atlas's globe,
and when we finally do a Fifth Step
and discuss the nuances
we can begin to understand
the burden we carry should be simply
"not guilty."

Bless Your Heart

That we are able to bless one another at all is evidence that we have been blessed, whether we can remember when or not. That we are willing to bless one another is miracle enough to stagger the very stars. - Barbara Brown Taylor

The Urban Dictionary says "Bless your heart"
is a putdown. Fifteen hundred years ago
Pope Gregory prescribed "God bless you for sneezes,
symptoms of the Plague. But "bless"
packs a powerful punch with no other words.
Look at something small, insignificant,
common, an object you'd never normally notice.
Think of its contribution to life, its import,
benefits involved, and be grateful.
Then consider a stranger in the same light.
Sometimes people say, "I'm blessed"
when asked, "How are you?"
Make sure they are...because you do.
Talk to the God of your understanding
and figure out how to bless, what it means to you.
Be willing to bless one another...and stagger the stars!

Things I Knew

May 4, 2011. I knew on that day
writing a poem each day, publishing it,
and getting people to read it
would be the ideal way to sell books!
We had written three - Slender Steps
to Sanity by OAStepper,
A Time for Verse by Barbara B. Rollins
and A Cloud of Witnesses by both.
I know a thousand eight hundred
twenty-seven days have passed.
I know at RecoveryDailyDose.Blogspot.com
the list of posts published exceeds that
by five, that EagleWingsPress.com/daily
lists exactly the 1827. I know I've spent hours
the last few days figuring out why the lists
don't match. I know we really haven't sold
a lot of our books, maybe not one a week
for two hundred sixty weeks, surely not
one a day. I know my life has changed,
my recovery bloomed and grown
through writing a poem each night,
publishing it each morning.
I know the good I expected didn't happen
but that the good God expected...did.

The Rusted Useless Tool

Sometimes it feels like I'm trash, worn out, useless.
Like an old rake that lets leaves through,
refuses to move those that don't stick on the tines.
Like a broken screwdriver that comes apart
at the handle with the slightest pressure.a
aSometimes it feels like I'm trash, worn out, useless.ac
I can see being tossed away, hurled in the junk pile,
recycled for usable bits and pieces. It's what I deserve
when I forget the basics, mis-state facts I should know,
can't get out of my chair if I've been there for a time
without struggling, stumbling, getting functioning legs.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trash, worn out, useless.
But I don't belong to me. I decided years ago.
And I turned my will and my life over to the care of God
as I understood him, or even if I didn't. And he deserves
not something broken, giving up, laying down the load.
He deserves me useful, ready, needing to try,
willing to do what it takes to repair me. He deserves better.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trash, worn out, useless.
That happens when I give up, revert to all-about-me
and refuse to accept help so I can do my part.

Fooled Fool

I could tell myself I was educated,
respected, affluent, successful,
appreciated, living a meaningful life.
I could tell myself those things —
I could convince other people they were true,
but I couldn't persuade myself to believe.

I knew from the bottom of my heart
I was a fraud, a failure, a pathetic creature.
I knew I lied, pretended, faked my way through,
made a putrid predicament of a pitiful parade.
I was a buffoon, a dolt, an idiot, a clown,
dull and tedious, insipid and uninspired.

Until I was not. Until I found Recovery.
Until I turned toward home and began,
at last, to comprehend. Yes, I was a fool.
But one who didn't have to be. I was a fool
who eventually stumbled on the truth,
that the fooled fool could have it all,
be it all, realize it all, and live a life of joy,
of peace, of understanding, love, and serenity,
no fooling!

Excessive Personal Importance

... the path of the Tao needs to be cleared of any weeds of excessive personal importance. ~ Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao (p. 113).

I hate weeding the garden,
even the easy kind with chemicals.
It's always, "Maybe I'll get to it...
before the first hard freeze.''
It's like that in my life as well.
Those pesky weeds sprout up
and I could simply grab them
as I walk by, just do it, make a call,
pay a bill, answer a question.
But I don't...until the first hard freeze
and for these, they don't just die off,
they're harder with more thorns and stickers
by the time they've set that long.
And the reason was, I had more important tasks,
significant things to do. And if I could say
that I'd done those things, it wouldn't hurt
but I wasted the time studying the weeds,
deciding it was below me, too trivial.
It's time I concentrate on all those weeds
of excessive personal importance
and learn how to live...in the present moment.

One Ultimate Authority

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. ~ Tradition 2, Overeaters Anonymous

Authority is everywhere,
in the teenage babysitter,
in parents, teachers,
the chair of a meeting...
even Roberts Rules of Order,
in the constitution, bylaws,
signs on doors and walls...
We know authority.
I've joked for years about my coffee mug,
that "She who must be obeyed"
worked at the office, not home.
Authorities abound. How can there be
a single ultimate authority for a whole group?
Especially when the group won't even say
what kind of god!
But it doesn't matter what kind of God!
Every single person can understand
the power that heals differently.
But it's how that Power, that god,
however each person understands,
in the context of the group conscience
If each of us have our Power,
no matter how different,
then that Power guides the group
to the right answer proving
in the process that that amorphous
amalgamated god really is
the ultimate authority
and all the authority we need.

paper4pc.com

A Team Player

I also learned in program that I am enough. When a sports team manager assembles a team, he or she looks to combine a number of players into a single unit. The manager does not expect a group of perfect players who play perfectly every time; rather, the manager collects individuals with different strengths who will complement the team as a whole. The manager wants every player’s unique touch when that touch is especially needed. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Third Edition (Kindle Locations 1185-1188).

I'm seldom alone, and when I am, it's by choice.
I can always find people. I can't always find myself.
I have strengths. But I'm so glad people around me
have others, complementary, accessorizing, or the main thing.
Others remember names, correct me when I screw up dates,
remind me to do what I intended to do...and forgot.
It would be boring if everyone had the skills I have...
and scary, because who would do the math?
It's maddening when I forget to ask for help
and believe myself overwhelmed, while all around
are folks who would be honored to do a share.
I have talents. I have weaknesses. Others are weak
when my strength shines. Still more can simply do
what I spend hours doing and am embarrassed by the result.
I am not the alpha and the omega. I can do a decent job
of J's, of D's. Of these, not those. I can do my part
and be part of the team. I cannot be the team and leave all others
to be the cheering section. Because when I try, I don't win.

Worse than Bad

In the beginning I felt only that I didn’t fit in; by the end I was a complete outsider. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Third Edition (Kindle Locations 1165-1166).

Just wait, it will get better. Or so they say.
But does it? Not automatically. Oh, yes,
eventually everything runs a course,
circles back, swings the pendulum.
But sometimes it feels like forever
that you've been stuck at that point or,
worse, trying to hold to bad while sliding,
slipping, careening towards beastly.
And it makes it worse because you expect it
because you deserve it because if you didn't
then surely something would have let up
on the relentless wretchedness.

But there's good news! That's lack of power,
powerlessness. It's the inability to cope,
unmanageability. It's the bottom rung,
the lowest low, rock bottom, the pit.
And from there, if you find the right people,
if you discover a simple program,
you can begin the journey,
made possible simply because
you reached the underbelly.
And then you take a proffered hand
and find your way to a high as high
as your low was low.

Strangers in the Family

How can you love a  stranger?
Oh, of course if you go to the Big Big Book
you're to love everybody, neighbors,
one another, even your enemy.
But really, a stranger?
Yet, experience shows it's true.
I've watched newcomers in the rooms
for years. Reluctant, downcast eyes,
nervous, often with tears ready
if not falling. And my own experience
as a newcomer among strangers,
scared yet amazed at hearing them speak,
as they told my own story, sounding like me
but full of hope, of joy, of recovery...
I remember when the newcomer was me
and love them now knowing their pain
and already love how they will blossom
if they keep coming back.

LIST OF ALL THE POSTS

My Part

You hurt me.
You didn’t hit me,
cause pain, break the skin,
loosen a tooth.
You scared me
when you pinned me
against the wall…
more than 35 years ago
and I still hold a grudge,
think less of you for it,
sometimes talk about it
but not to you, of course.
But more than that
over years you ridiculed me,
humiliated me, belittled me.
A black eye would hurt less,
would end.
I know what you did.
The resentment thrives.
But this Fourth Step thing…
“What was my part?”
I informed you once I’d been told
I was passive aggressive.
So you threw that in my face
for years. But it’s true.
Burning food you wanted,
forgetting to do what you asked,
telling others my side,
making them hate you...
and without knowing why
you felt like you did,
the context, the level.
What is my part?
I stay in my head.
I don’t know your thoughts,
your feelings, your frustration,
and assume you would not tell me
but don’t ask. And I react,
make you more miserable,
more alone, more needy
and I believe it’s all your fault.
But if I softly turn away your wrath
it doesn’t grow and I’m not hurt
and you’re not hurt.
I will learn my part, act to end
my hurt.
And yours if you allow it.

Our Group

We are people who normally would not mix. But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 390-391).

We're an odd lot,
a group that would never exist
except in this fellowship.
We sit around the circle,
shiny Oxfords next to flip-flops,
beside Jimmy Choo stilletos,
by holey ratty tennies.
Steel-toe boots, muddy,
spread wide before the chair
while psychedelic canvas
aline beside the wearer's
grandmother's black brogans.
We're an odd lot,
our family of choice.

Until It's Not

It's all about the food until it isn't about the food and the way to get away from it being about the food is to work the spiritual principles of the program. ~ Margie

The spiritual principles
of Overeaters Anonymous.
Step One is honesty,
stopping denying what I eat,
ending the pretense
it's under control.
Step Two is hope,
knowing when I'm hopeless
that something greater
has the power, the hope.
Step Three is faith,
believing that power
if given the chance
could make it so,
could keep it from being
all about the food.
Step Four is courage,
facing the farce,
accepting the facts.
Step Five is integrity,
finally admitting the dirt
I've tried all my life to deny.
Step Six is willingness,
stepping beyond knowledge
to actually moving the right way.
Step Seven is humility
because by now I'm certain
I haven't it in me, could never do it.
Step Eight is self-discipline
for while I can't do the right
I can stop doing the wrong.
Step Nine is love which comes,
flows, emerges from confession,
from admitting wrongs.
Step Ten is perseverance,
dropping counting the days
to living them one at a time.
Step Eleven is spiritual awareness,
understanding that Power
can communicate, both hear
and direct.
Step Twelve is service,
for the way for it really not to be
all about the food is to help others see
if they persevere in the steps
it's only all about the food
until it's not all about the food.

Simple as ABC

Abstinence becomes comfortable 

despite fears grafted heavy-handedly 

into jaded kindred liabilities 

memorialized neatly onto
premonitions quarreling,
raucously smoothed
through understanding
uplifting words explored,
yearning for the Zenith.  

 

Hope for the Moment

None of the diets gave hope for a lifetime, just hope for the moment. ~ Joan B

How can we be without hope
when we prove over and over again
that every diet works, some more than others,
but that for the most part, there's a valid plan
at the core of each of them?
How can we continue month after month
to believe this time, finally, we've got the plan
to end all diets, the pathway to freedom from fat,
the road to being normal and happy and whole?
Because it's not a problem we developed suddenly,
a need to react to the failings of a few months,
the accumulation of an extra dress-size full,
the shrinking of all clothes in the size we once wore.
It's a problem we've dealt with from childhood --
at least most of us have -- and even for those
who grew to adults at normal size have suffered long,
have failed at dieting. But when diets don't work
where do you go? To the program that does work,
the one that changes not only the body
but the emotions and the mind. The plan that works.
And when we take that last step, we find hope.
Not hope that hangs up its hat at despair, at ineptitude,
at inability to diet that intensifies diet by diet...
Hope that works, that we see evidence of in lives around us,
that moves us slowly sometimes, at breakneck speed at others,
to the whole person we want to be!

Courage

Courage is something you shouldn't be afraid to have. ~ Major Frank Burns

Courage. The ability to do
that which frightens you.
Strength in the face of pain,
confronting guilt. Bravery.
Pluck. Guilt. Facing Fear.This short word somehow touches 
about every aspect of our lives. 
It was an evil and corroding thread; 
the fabric of our existence 
was shot through with it. 
It set in motion trains of circumstances 
which brought us misfortune 
we felt we didn’t deserve. 
But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling?
The short word fear.
That's all it is, a word.

A word that yields to growth,
to working the steps,
to recovery. And it's true.
Courage is something
you shouldn't be afraid
to have.

To Those Still Suffering

It was my job, my responsibility.
I had worked the Steps,
realized the Promises true,
even for me! And,
as the result of working the Steps,
I had a spiritual awakening.
But did I bog down there?
Did I fail to carry the message?
Certainly I knew compulsive eaters,
folks I knew needed this program
desperately. I knew them.
I knew they were killing themselves
engulfed in the hopelessness
of this awful disease. I knew them.
I knew Pete. I watched him
as diabetes devoured him,
finger by toe by foot...
by heart and lungs and body.
Did I do what I could to carry the message
to Pete? He haunts me. And won't answer
even when I go to leave flowers
on the stone.

Wanted: A God I Understand

Position available immediately.
God wanted, a challenging position
available only to exactly the right deity.
Must understand I have more to do
that be at the beck and call
of an impatient god. Close supervision
is not desired. An understanding spirit,
one who would eschew pulling me away
from other pursuits. An intelligent being,
worthy of respect, one who knows how much
I bring to the equation, one who respects me.
One who recognizes my leadership potential.
Not a micromanager, but a giver of advice,
an avatar to turn to for analysis, for strategizing. 

Come to think of it: Wanted, a figurehead
I can claim to believe in, one I can point to
but one that leaves me alone on my own,
merely telling me I make a convincing
divinity. I'll hold on to this need
until my desperation allows my real search
for a Power Greater than I.

Power Within You

The power within you is far greater than the problem before you. ~ Elaine L's sponsor

When I was young, well at least 55 years younger,
J. B. Phillips said, Your God Is Too Small.Then he talked about a Resident Policeman,
Parental Hangovers, The Grand Old Man,
a Meek and Mild God..even the God-In-A-Box.
Lots of pale, weak, unreal gods who really were small.
But the folks he talked to had it wrong.
Their Gods were not too small, but instead
their perceptions of God were. For the real god
can't be described as small although he's inside
a quark rollicking around inside an atom
ricocheting off the protons and gluons.
But he's so massive he's not in the universe
but the universe is in him.
No matter how small our God may seem
he towers over our problems
like a supernova dwarfs a green pea.
And the problems we perceive as massive
rest well inside that pea.

One Minute Two Minutes

What's the problem?
We know that, are eager
to enlighten you,
to tell you how we suffer,
to share our indignation,
our anger, our discomfort.
And we should...for a minute.
In sixty seconds we should
be able to explain the issue,
to set out the facts, the dilemma.
But if you have three minutes,
that one is adequate.
Then you have a hundred twenty
second more to set out the solution,
to illustrate how program principles
address the issue.

In HP's Hands

Faith, to be sure, is necessary, but faith alone can avail nothing. We can have faith, yet keep God out of our lives. Therefore our problem now becomes just how and by what specific means shall we be able to let Him in? ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (Kindle Locations 321-323). AA

Just how and by what specific means
can we let HP in? "We can have faith,
yet keep God out of our lives."
Haven't we practiced that, we children
grown up in the church to be addicts?
God, take away this fat. God, help me
to stay on this diet, not like all the rest.
God, I want to be thin! And I want it NOW!
Step Three says to turn our will and lives over.
Yeah, sure! So what has changed to do that?
But it can be done. By beginning.
A tenth of a baby step even if you don't know how.
There's a lock in a door where the key
is willingness. That, we can find, at least a bit,
and as soon as that key is placed in the lock
it opens, however slightly, and we can always
open it more. And when we do that,
we've done what we needed to do,
and the beginning is made
to turn our will and lives over to HP.

The Key Word in Amends

A sponsor told me the key word in "amends" is "mend." ~ Vicki W

Amend means to change. The change that is amends
is mending, healing, repairing, stitching together, healing.
Perhaps the damage done is ages old, from early childhood,
a time before you could have consciously offended.
Perhaps the actor did the best she could and failed,
overwhelmed by personal trauma, by fears and phobias,
by life lived hard without sufficient protection. Whose fault?
What does it matter, if your side of the street is as clean as you can do?
You need amends for  you. And if you have to patch, darn,
cobble together, tie up with string, it's to your good
to change, to mend, to heal. The key word in "amends"
is surely "mend."

Elastic Time

Too full a month, a week, a day.
Things to do, lists to make to do all
the things to do. Twenty-four hours,
A thousand four hundred forty minutes,
Eighty-six thousand four hundred seconds,
all of them full, all committed, all spent
before they happen. Then the call.
What are you doing tomorrow?He had an appointment, it's a question
seldom ever asked. Therefore, important.
Nothing that can't be dropped.
Waiting rooms, hospital smells,
hurry up, wait, answer these questions
at least sixteen times. Things to do
diminish, ease, aren't really that important.
Three hundred seventy-two minutes,
forever long. Time stands still
and the things important emerge done,
the list is manageable in the new day's light.
Elastic time. All will be done. Trust
that you can find elastic time.

Please!

God grant me serenity
is my plea, my prayer,
not to be carefree
but to breathe, to be,
to dwell free,
no need to foresee,

pleased with life
willing to see
who you would
have me be.

Copyright: thesupe87 / 123RF Stock Photo

An Action Plan

An action plan is the process of identifying and implementing attainable actions that are necessary to support our individual abstinence. Just like our plan of eating, it may vary widely among members and may need to be adjusted to bring structure, balance, and manageability into our lives. ~The Tools of Recovery pamphlet

What's an action?
Certainly a physical workout,
a walk, a time of yoga,
gym machines.
But writing three gratitudes?
Sitting outside in the sun,
pondering, listening?
Calling people you've met,
those you know well
and others you really don't know?
Writing morning pages?
Reading from three pieces of literature
every day?
Taking a bath when you want food?
Going to a meeting early
to put out chairs?
Yes. That's an action plan,
any part of it or several
or other things entirely.
And that Action Plan is a tool,
a tool of Recovery,
a way to grow healthy
physically, mentally,
and spiritually.

Absolutely Not!

You shouldn't consider
asking me to accept
a service position I can't do.
Look how many are
better able. I can't.
I'm not qualified,
would fall on my face,
get us into such a state
we'd be sued and bankrupt,
defunct and discontinued.
Dormant. That's where
you don't want to go
and where I don't want
to lead you, but I can't help it,
that's where I'd fail to.
I can't do this. You shouldn't ask.
You can't expect me
to submit my name
merely to fail. You can't ask it.
I can't do it. You know I can't.
But I don't know I can't.

Reaching Out Our Hands

12. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, television and other public media of communication. ~ OA Tradition 11

Don't tell them what you want to shout to the world.
Don't do what you know how to do to publicize, to announce,
to attract.
I have a relationship with a disk jockey, a friendship,
and he'd let me come talk about what I'm doing,
what many people need to know we're doing a few days out.
But then it's about me. And it's not about me.
I have to trust that the truth will be told,
that people who want to know, who need to know
will learn of the opportunity. I have to trust.
But I trust in a Power greater than me
and that Power's ability to use me and others,
to get the word out, to let people know
something great is coming to town!

I Don't Want To

I would rather do anything...
everything...whatever it takes...
not to have to resign
as your sponsor. I'm not the best.
Sometimes I feel like the worst,
but I know that's the disease
taking over my thoughts and mouth,
my heart and will. It's not me
and I need not quit, need merely
try more diligently to be there,
to listen, to share what works for me,
to care. I want to be there
but it's necessary when I fail
to maintain abstinence, to not just slip
but fall on my face and quit trying.
When I'm not abstinent
I'm not a proper sponsor
so, while I hate to resign,
I'll hold that thought in my mind
and use it as my strength
to hold onto abstinence
and not have to write
an apology such as this.

Copyright: micro10x / 123RF Stock Photo

 

All In the Family

Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation. ~ Exodus 34:7b (NIV)

The sins of the father lead to children punished?
That's not fair! I sat in court with a father today,
his juvenile son had been in the same seat before,
wasn't today. This was the day of the father.
The father who wasn't in court when the son was.
The father subpoenaed to come, but the grandmother went
so why should the father? He'd signed a piece of paper,
said she should have rights to the child. I asked just why
he should be excused. And whether his son should be,
if somebody else did the right thing but he did the wrong.
How can a child learn responsibility from a parent
who has none? ...who figures he can talk fast
and the stuff won't stick? The sins of the fathers.

Mother and Daddy raised us as well as they could.
But Mother's insecurities, her angst, are part of my heritage.
Daddy couldn't remember names, and I surely can't.
But do I have more than their characteristics?
Did decisions they made, the best they could at the time,
make my life different? If Mother hadn't taken her chubby girl,
pigtails and all, to the doctor, asked for diet pills
for the thirteen-year-old, would I have become thin,
as thin as my sisters?

We make mistakes. Sometimes we fall flat on our faces.
But if we pass our sins on, surely we often, too,
pass on concepts of good, snippets of nobility, a path to joy.
I was not made by my parents. I played a far larger role than they.
But I can be grateful for the positive and know they didn't mean
to damage me. Any more than I did my children.
It's all in the family. Thank God for the ability to rectify
the tidbits we don't want to keep.

My Idea

I had a plan,
an excellent idea,
to repair my life,
to become for once
all I had ever hoped
to be.
I had a plan
and tried for years...
for decades...
but I could not repair
the wreck I made
of my life.
But I knew a Power,
not that I'd noticed much,
who had an idea.
And when I yielded
to the Powerful Idea
my life became...
ideal.

Look at Me

Look at you,
once miserable like me,
now happy, peaceful,
full of serenity.
Look at God! He's not at all
like I learned at Mother's knee,
he's real, he cares,
he knows what's best for me.
Look at those I've hated, feared,
who wrecked my life for years.
They didn't mean to tear me up,
it's how my needs
interefered with theirs.
Look at me,
pitiful wretch
afraid of being me.
I'm now becoming
what I'd longed to be.

How to Change a Relationship

All my relationships changed the day I started accepting people exactly as they are. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 1126).

It was my job to change you
and I'd do it any way I could.
Passively aggressive, my favorite,
though followed closely
by co-dependency, trying,
ever trying, to do what I could
to make you love me, to see
my worthiness, my goodness,
by way for you to behave,
and failing, bouncing back
to being intrusive, controlling,
manipulative.

It was my job to change you
but finally I learned better, wiser.
I learned what you think of me
is none of my business.
What I think of you
is also none of my business.
You have the right to be you.
And when I accept that, we change.
I change, and you change,
and at long last
we can actually communicate!

I'll Grant You That

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

God, give me, allow me, transfer to me
as my right, award me, permit me,
endow me, confer, bestow on me...
Is that what I'm asking? Is it a request
or a demand? How can I be so impertinent?
How? Did you not say, "Ask,
and it will be given" and "If you believe,
you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer”?
Step Eleven says, "praying only
for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out."
Is not this the purpose of the Serenity Prayer?
Is God not saying to us, "I'll grant you that."?

A Plastic Disk

Thirty Days, Sixty, Ninety,
Six Months, Seven Years,
Thirty-Four. Plastic.
Cheap...even lots of years,
a few bucks.
A plastic disk.
It can be the achievement
to remember forever
or something scary,
public recognition
when you feel unworthy,
something to drive you
away from the goal,
to take you back to safe.
No matter the meaning,
it has meaning well beyond
a cheap plastic disk.

Deference

Humble, according to the dictionary, is “the state of reflecting, expressing, or offering in a spirit of deference.” ~  Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 2088-2089)

So, what does deference mean?
Respect, submission, surrender,
accession. "To have respect for ourselves
guides our morals; to have deference
for others governs our manners."¹
"Great men always pay deference to greater."²
"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."
Who's in charge here? Who chooses what defects
will be removed. Not I, said the wise one.
There is a Power Greater than I who deserves
respect, submission, surrender, accession.
It's not our decision which defects, when, or how.
We just get to stand in awe when we let go enough
for the miracle to happen.

 

1. Laurence Stearn, 2. Walter Savage Landor

A Life Sentence

Guilty of gluttony,
an affidavit of the facts?
A court reporter's fingers
would ache with the effort.
The verdict? A given.
But sentencing? How long?
The finder of fact will know
previously, all efforts failed
at rehabilitation, a tough case,
hopeless, far below standards
expected, the effect
of lifelong debauchery.
It's a serious offense
but the deliberations are easy.
The Court finding what matters
is the defendant is sentenced
to abstinence, recovery, and sanity
during the term of her natural life.
Congratulations, and Welcome Home!